(In)Visible Minority.

This is my latest painting. The photos are terrible I agree. I decided that I wasn't going to spend time getting everything cropped properly because if I did I would simply never get around to posting it. I used a flash in one of the pictures to show the reflective disks. The blue base painting still shows through in some parts and reminds me off silk that is a different colour depending on warp and weft (?). Does anyone remember those coloured LP's from the '70's??????
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I mixed art with life this weekend.

On Friday night I met up with Jonathan and our children at the Forks for a quick dinner before I left for an art opening. I could have stayed home by myself until the show started, but I was so tired that I knew that if I didn't go out right away I wouldn't go at all. That is how most evenings are for me. I'm exhausted by 6:30 and feel very little ability to go out and socialize.

I managed to make it to the show. It was a group exhibition, which is always interesting since the work can vary so widely. There were some great sculptures that have embedded themselves in my memory, which in itself made it worth dragging myself there.

On Sunday I attended a workshop on grants for visual artists. This workshop was held by a major funding body.

Unfortunately:

It was held in a wheelchair inaccessible venue-which was not mentioned in the invitation. I was aware of that before attending as I have been to that particular gallery for shows in the past, but the person holding the workshop did not (he was from out of town and had only flown in to present this workshop)and didn't concern himself with finding out about accessibility even when someone asked him prior to attending whether it was accessible for wheelchairs.( I have since found out that at least two artists missed out because it wasn't a handicap accessible venue).

Out of practice.

I must be out of practice blogging because I have started post after post only to realize that once again I've blathered on too much.

Try as I might I will blather on again.

About my summer;

It was good.

To expand; every sunny day spent outside felt like the first day of summer-beautiful and refreshing and novel. I adore summer, for the light, the heat and even the irritation of mosquitoes.

This summer I had the added experience of last summer-knowing that having two young children at home, out of town visitors (three weekends in August) and holidays away from the city would all culminate into getting very little painting done.

Our trip to Minneapolis was great but a lot of the success was due to the fact that I rented that wheelchair.

Here are Signe and me at the carnival at Como Park Zoo.


Here are the kids in the Japanese gar
dens near the beautiful Conservatory at Como. Caleb is looking miserable-there was a bit of a heatwave and he was in serious need of downtime...

This is Jonathan and the kiddies learning all about waves at the science museum.




Fall has arrived with a chill.True it isn't officially autumn but there are yellow leaves on the ground and the air smells different.

Caleb began kindergarten at his new school on Monday. We are both adjusting to him going to school in the afternoons instead of the mornings like last year. He is adjusting to the newness of his teachers, classmates and even being in a different building.And he is being walked by a different friend, since now he is in a different school. All of that change is hard on a child. He hasn't even learned to use the word nervous yet. He still says that he is afraid. He even says that he is afraid to talk to the little girl in the class that he has a crush on (he doesn't call it a crush either-in his mind this is the girl that he is going to marry).

All of this change for him leaves him emotional and cranky. I understand it, but I have to say, it's trying.

Signe is supposed to be napping in the afternoons but change is in the air for her too. She isn't falling asleep. Dammit!

My plan is to work while the kids are either sleeping or in school and I must admit to being a bit giddy at the prospect of having TIME to work. Obviously, I may not have as much time as I had anticipate if Signe doesn't sleep in the afternoons...

Anyway, I did manage to finish one painting this summer. I didn't feel pressure to work on it (knowing that I might not have any time to work) but I enjoyed working when I could. I have developed a muscle spasm in my shoulder over the past year though. It knots up when I'm leaning over my desk with a paint brush in hand. It gets to the point that I feel like there is a vise clamped onto my jaw and shoulder and there isn't much that I can do to get rid of it because I can't take muscle relaxants (I would stop breathing). So, that is unfortunate.

Hopefully, the tilting work desk that I bought at Ikea in Minneapolis (during our very enjoyable and busy family holiday)will help avoid setting that spasm off...

I'm finding absolutely no joy in applying successfully for art related things this year. I have been turned down for all four things that I applied for this year. I know, that isn't that much, but geez, I could really use some encouragement occassionally.

I have also put in time doing things for the SPARK Arts and Disability Network steering committee. I actually overextended myself last month, (putting in 15 hours for that, which was the same that I put into painting), but it's hard not to be enthusiastic about what our group is trying to do.

I will also be attending the first meeting soon for the Wolseley Arts Festival. I was on the board for the festival the last time (or actually the first time). With that group things stay pretty simple for those first few months since the festival won't be until June and it will only last a few days.

Anyway, here is the painting before I added the 8 (plus) layers of red glaze. I'll post that photo tomorrow or the next day since it's a bit to dark in here to photograph it now.

Yippee!

I'm getting quite excited about our family holiday now that it's so close and now that I have adjusted to the notion of "holiday" being different now that we have children.

Another thing that I'm actually remarkably happy about is that I rented a wheelchair for myself. Maybe from an outside perspective people may think that because I have a physical disability that I should already be okay with the notion of a wheelchair but the fact is that any change is an emotional adjustment.

The fact is that my holidays could have been made easier if I had done this fifteen years ago. Back then I finally went on one of my class trips with other students in interior design. Throughout university there had been plenty of trips but I had never been able to afford one. In my last year I decided to beg for money (probably from my parents) to go to Chicago.

As soon as we got to the Minneapolis airport to quickly transfer planes I was in trouble. The airport was huge and the gates were as far apart as possible with almost no time for more mobile people than me to get to the gate.

Once in Chicago our class did walking tour after walking tour. I took taxi where I could but sometimes ended walking back to the hotel an hour into a tour because I was holding everyone up and my feet simply wouldn't carry me further.

At one point we toured an old theatre. We were allowed access to a tower which was an astounding amount stairs. By the time I made it to the top everyone was on their way back down.

I came to my senses at the Chicago airport and requested a wheelchair to get to the gate. The woman at the ticket counter didn't believe I needed one and told me to walk in front of her to see if I should have a chair or not. Yes, right now you're probably thnking "what a bitch" and of course I agree.

Anyway, I got the chair and we all rushed to the plane. I had tears trickling down my face at the humiliation of it all but was fortunate enough to sit beside one of my professors on the flight who could tell that I needed a bit of soothing.

Year later when Jonathan and I went to Mexico I bought my first cane. We had landed on a small island for a day of roaming about and over the previous few days I had really slowed down from all of the sightseeing. We saw a kiosk selling canes and I finally bought one and could not believe how helpful it was to have. I ended up using it any time I went out of the house once we returned home and although there are times that I feel like I have grown weaker by using it I also am aware that blaming myself for possibly losing the strength to walk without it (use it or lose it) is suggesting that I have the power to control my disease.

Today my rented wheelchair was delivered to my house and I have to admit that I am surprised with how I feel. I feel liberated.

I feel excited about our trip because I don't have to dread every outing that we go on because of how hard it will be to get around. I don't have to worry about my feet and ankles hurting or my shoulder aching from leaning on my cane. I will have a lot more energy to enjoy our holiday and although I'll dislike being stared at when I'm in the wheelchair, people stare when I walk anyway-so depending on my mood I'll pretend that I don't notice or I'll glare at them menacingly.

I'm back with nothing interesting to say.

So my brand new spanking (1 year old) used Macbook purchased on ebay a couple of months ago, abruptly died almost two weeks ago. I was sad to find out that it needed a new hard-drive (the laptop came with an excellent extended warranty). I was disappointed (seriously upset actually) because my used laptop had some awesome software on it. I no longer have Photoshop and feel lost without it from an artistic perspective. I use Photoshop constantly-rarely allowing a photo to go unchallenged...

In the end I found out that we got a good deal on the laptop in the first place, especially because of the warranty so I guess that I can't complain too much.

Ironically, my old Mac G4 died two days later ( that computer was also bought used). I don't know the prognosis on it yet but am crossing my fingers that I will be able to salvage my work that has yet to be transferred to something stable.

We are headed on a family vacation shortly. We are taking the kids to Minneapolis. We'll be going to the science museum, Como Park Zoo and Conservatory and the aquarium at the mall. Initially I had envisioned this holiday full of shopping and lounging, maybe reading the occasional book by the pool.

Seriously, what was I thinking?! We have two children! And so we will take the kids out to some amazing places and take them to the hotel pool everyday and somewhere during our trip I will go to Ikea. And I'm not complaining about going to eat at restaurants every day. No cooking, no cleaning...

Anyway, summer is showing signs of tiredness. I don't know how I'll be able to say goodbye to sunshine and heat and I will miss the sound of rain. I'm dreading the return of winter depression.
And yet...

And yet, Caleb will go back to school and I am really really looking forward to that!

Creative minds.

This is a video that Philip Patston (of 200GR8.com-it's all about potential) posted on his brilliant blog. It is a video of Sir Ken Robinson(originally posted on TED: Ideas worth spreading) speaking about cultivating creativity within the eductation system.

It rang so many bells with me that rather than me talking about it you might want to set aside 15 minutes and watch it yourself.

And had the education system been privy to Sir Robinsons ideas way back when I was a child I can only imagine where I might be now. All is not lost of course. I became an artist despite being told that it wasn't a viable or "real" career.

I always hated being told what to do....

Any suggestions?

Things that I've been thinking about.

Number 1). Okay folks, it's getting boring the countless times you (well, not you, because I know that everyone who visits me here is awesome) give me the ol'stink-eye when I park in a handicap parking spot. My parking permit is clearly displayed and that should be enough. You cannot tell by seeing me in the drivers seat that I require the permit and the convenient parking spot. And I am not required to justify it beyond the medical form that I have filled out on a biannual basis and pay a shit load of money for my doctor to sign her qualified name to.

Some people do not look like they have physical challenges. And what about this bizarre assumption that just because I am driving the Volvo with the two kiddie seats in the back, that I have done my hair and slapped on some lip-gloss, that I couldn't possibly have a disability?

It's just silly!

Number 2) I know I talk about being isolated quite a bit and yet lately I have clearly been getting out a lot. There are few reasons for that and all of them are subject to change.

Firstly,it is summer and that is the great equalizer for me. Winter in Winnipeg creates incredible physical challenges; such as walking through the snow and dealing with extreme cold which tends to keep my muscles from functioning well.

Secondly, depression. My world is a small hard stone in the pit of my brain when depression comes. When that happens I am sure that my friends are abandoning, that I am destined to fail through my own weaknesses and/or because other people just see me as a great big whinger without justification.

Thirdly, I have children. They are lovely and beautiful and spirited. And they challenge me physically to the point of exhaustion nearly everyday. But the fact is that as they grow into preschool age and school age they can do a lot more for themselves-they can climb into the car themselves, walk up the stairs safely and all of the other things that made the first three years of their lives extremely challenging.

Number 3). In my experience there is a lack of attractive, funky and well designed walking sticks for people with disabilities.

Case in point: Up until my newest purchase I have always used wooden canes. The first one that I bought was eight years ago when Jonathan and I were in Mexico. It was very clunky, with a rounded handed like a candy cane, which isn't really the most effective shape to put my hand around to lean on. It was a quick purchase that helped me enjoy our holiday far more and once I had that first cane I was amazed at the fearfullness and misguided pride that I had had about ever using one.

The next cane that I bought was somewhat more gentlemanly in that it had a straight handle of stained wood and a black post (column?). However, as I am not a gentleman, but rather a thirty-something, female, designer/artist, that cane really didn't do much for expressing my style either.

Last spring while Caleb was on spring break I took him out on a lot of daytrips. After a trip out of town to a water park I put my cane on top of the car while I was buckling Caleb into his carseat. I was exhausted and left it on the roof and promptly drove back to the city sans cane.

That left me with a back up can that was very plain which I had bought at a Salvation Army store a year or two ago and had planned on painting. It never did get painted. It didn't have a rubber tip on the bottom either and when I walked on any type of tiled floor it would slip out from under me.

So, the day that the last cane broke I went cane shopping. I walked into a store and asked the lady working there where the canes were-she pointed out the selection and said " we have kitty cat and puppy dog ones if you're interested" (there were also ones with flowers on them....). The defensive bitchiness in me popped up and said that I was looking for something more sophisticated. I had assumed that she was like some people who are prone to do that she didn't think that I might want something cool because she perceived me as someone needing to be taken care of (childlike) and because I am small.

Of course I realized when I saw her desk full of etched decorative crystals and little figurines and posters with cutesy sayings that in reality this was what she loved and she was offering me the type of things that she valued. It was one of those moments that I have been having frequently lately that I should never assume anything about anyone.

Anyway, I found a cane that is somewhat cool-nice comfy grip with red and black and a red aluminum post. It has a rubber bottom and it came with a loop to put it around my wrist (too bad it fell off). The loop was nice since there are times that I need both hands and there is never a good place to put the cane...

It is a fairly decent piece although it is too heavy and once again I doubt that someone who actually requires a cane had anything to do with the design.

There were also some very good walking/hiking sticks that you would grasp like you would a door handle (vertically rather than horizontally) for people who do not need to rest any of their weight onto a handle. The colours were cool and sporty and the column was built to open telescopically which meant it was a more streamlined design. All it needed was a 90 degree turn to the handle and I would have bought it.

So, once again I have been thinking about designing canes myself. Why not make something sculptural and functional?

There are a few things holding me back from doing this- a complete lack of business sense and entrepreneurial fortitude.

If any of you have managed to read this whole post, then I am hoping that you will have some suggestions on how I should go about actually doing this rather than just talking about it...

Summer holidays.

This is the end of week two of my children's summer holidays. I on the other hand have taken them to two movies, the pet store, the second hand store, McDonald's play land, play dates, playgrounds, swimming at a friends pool as well as a trip to the beach (Jonathan was there for that one).

I'm sure that there has been more-oh wait, yes a morning out to go on Thomas the Tank Engine. Basically, my mom, myself and the kids spend $98 dollars to ride on a train for 25 minutes which was pulled on the return trip by a train that looked like Thomas from the British children's show Thomas the Tank Engine (and his cantankerous friends, as Jonathan likes to add since the characters are frequently snobby and rude).

I handed my mother my cane while I climbed up the train and by the time I was up she was 30 feet away from me trying to follow the person looking for seats that were reasonably close to each other. She was so focused on the act of getting us "there" that she forgot that I wanted my cane to walk with and by the time we had found seats she had somehow shattered my cane into three pieces (inadvertently holding it with such force that it got jammed into something while she was walking).

The rest of the morning was tortuous walking around a lumpy field taking the kids to all of the activities (which were accessed via a tent that sold Thomas merchandise).

In the meantime Jonathan has torn down our very old and small garage and salvaged a fair amount of wood which we plan on using to making a dining table to use in the backyard, and with left-over wood we will put up siding for the kids play structure.

I have worked an hour or two at the most each week painting. It's not much but it's something I suppose...

On another art note I'm working on a possible photographic series. It's a fairly simple idea and it remains to be seen whether it will offer enough possibilities to even call it a series...

Tonight is the last night of hormone treatment for this month. Yesterday was my first entirely good day in almost a month. Today was the second day.

On yet another note, I decided to cancel our cable subscription. The day that I did it Caleb wouldn't lay down for a rest in the afternoon. Instead he got up, went to the living room and turned the t.v. on. So I unscrewed the cable.

And wouldn't you know it-he has figured out how to reconnect the damn thing. So I called the cable company and cancelled our cable.

We've been thinking about getting rid of it for a while. And basically Caleb is almost constantly in a war of wills with us (and nearly anyone else willing to argue a point with him...) and I realized that I had to follow through with getting rid of his beloved "kids shows" since it has been a threat for some time. I guess he is at an age to learn about having privileges...but also, I feel as though he needs to learn to entertain himself more of the time.

Believe me, I would love to let the kids watch TV for hours on end so that I could paint (or do anything) with less disruption. And while we still have movies that the kids can watch, I also don't want them to beg me to buy them every toy and new crappy food snack that they see on commercials. I don't want them seeing cartoon after cartoon with girly girls showing their bellies and wearing short purple skirts while the boys look cool and wreak havoc and then get together and talk with snotty tones of voices to each other.

Unfortunately, this round of discipline has hurt me as much (possibly more) as it has hurt him-I look forward to laying on the sofa to watch t.v. after the kids have gone to bed. By the time that they've settled down to sleep I'm too tired to concentrate on a book, but I still want to be lulled by an entertaining story.

So, that's it for life around here. It's incredible how different it is to be the parent facing two months of summer holidays than it is to be the child.

Next up: we are off on our camping trip in less than a week. I'm pretty excited about spending time with Jonathan and the kids, without the work of home renovations to distract us from just sitting around and enjoying each others company.

Stay tuned.

So....

Dinner Landscape
digital photograph
Property of Fivefootunder
2008

It's been a while since I've updated...life has been a thunderstorm of dark mood swings-none of them swinging towards sunshine.

My recent medication change a few months ago for my depression and anxiety was not successful. I haven't been able to feel joy most of the time and at times it's been much worse than that.

Fortunately, I met with my doctor and I have stopped taking my medication as of yesterday. It was pretty ironic to be swallowing these bitter pills each day with regularity all the while feeling horrible and all too aware that these pills were doing nothing for me.

I will be trying out hormones instead. I will be taking them during the relevant times of my cycle. Hopefully this will straighten out this pms and other problems that have been getting worse every month. My mother used a similar version of this hormone many years ago and found it to be a lifesaver.

It never ceases to confound me that the best part of my life (having children, being a mother, and finally becoming an artist) should also be the very worst. I can't believe what time, hormones and sleep deprivation has done to me.

The draw back to trying progesterone is that hormones cause weight gain and have other potentially dangerous side effects. It's more than a fear of gaining weight and looking heavy. It's that if I gain 5 or more pounds my mobility will be greatly affected because I can't build the muscle to support myself. That in itself is reason to feel down and frankly I don't usually even need a reason...

Anyway, one thing at a time. I feel optimistic by the possibility of feeling connected again to regular positive emotions. I want to feel the pleasure to the core of my being that I would normally have when I am with my children and hear them laugh.

I am looking forward to the possibility of painting and feeling creative for long enough to work.

I am looking forward to getting out of bed without resenting the end of sleep time.

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Today is Caleb's last day of school. I'm having a small party with three of his classmates, their mothers and their little sisters. The fruit is chopped and stored. The popcorn is popped and ready for me to turn it into caramel sauce.

Next up: chop onions, red peppers and tomatoes for quesadillas.

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I was told that this years grants were highly competitive and that I should apply next year with the exact same application that I sent in this year. In other words I don't need to fix it. It was a process that was fair and challenging and ultimately someone had to be chosen or denied...

It feels sometimes that it's my lot in life to have a continuous struggle with one thing or another, but then again one day I might be the lucky bastard and other people may think that I have had an easy life when all they've felt is disappointment...

On to plan "B" as Jonathan calls it, which is to do my project regardless of the grant. Which of course is the only way to go because I don't need permission from anyone to do my work.

Pine Cone
digital photograph
Property of Fivefootunder
2008

I regret to inform you...

...that your application was not successful.

That was part of the letter I received yesterday telling me that I was denied a grant. I was denied a grant by a jury of my peers.

Let me remind you that I was on that jury last year. For the same grant aimed at providing financial support for artist who for various reasons have accessibility issues within the arts in Manitoba.

I spent weeks refining my application and poured my heart and soul into it. I was honest. I expressed my need for support (support being financial and pure and simple recognition as a professional artist needing a godammed break for once).

Because the process of the jury is confidential I will ache over a multitude of possibilities as to why I was shut out. Maybe it damaged my application by not having any references by fellow painters despite that being the ultimate proof of my isolation and disadvantages as an artist with a disability.

Maybe I didn't describe the project clearly. Maybe I present myself in my written work and in person as thoroughly unlikeable.

Anyway I break it down I find myself without comfort. I went to a meeting in the afternoon re: artists with disabilities and held it together until a wonderful woman who works for a charitable foundation offered our group of artists the glimmer of hope of a large public venue to show our work. And that's when I broke down in the conference room and wept. Someone finally found me a wet wipe and I tried for ten or fifteen minutes to clean myself and pull it together but kept starting up all over again.

Anyway, I am in a crappy mood. I don't want to be. Wallowing is a waste of time but at the moment I just don't have the resilience.

This week.

The silence and peace in the house this morning is gorgeous. I will pick the children up from my moms (where they stayed last night), early this afternoon. Caleb didn't have school today so not only are the children elsewhere but Jonathan is at work. I'm still getting over the flu but feel much better...

Even the cat is being quiet (unless I walk into the kitchen and then his in there begging to be fed).

It rained on Friday but was sunny for the rest of the weekend. Jonathan took the kids to the Children's Festival on Saturday and Sunday while I went to two potlucks (women only) on Saturday and then spent an hour and a half on Sunday in the backyard reading interior design magazines. There was cooking and cleaning to some degree too, but damn it was nice to indulge in some me time. Jonathan I went to the bookstore later and then went for Vietnamese for dinner. Sigh. We both enjoyed are time together without the constant parental demands that make bookstores fairly crazy otherwise. And dining out without ordering french fries and constantly telling the kids to sit down and speak with their indoor voices was lovely.

Did I mention that Jonathan built flower boxes for our front windows last weekend? The flowers that he grew from seed weren't doing well so we went and bought plants on Saturday to fill up the new boxes.The kids enjoy going to gardening centres as much as we do. We don't spend a lot of money when we go since Jonathan orders most of his seeds/roots online and begins planting in February (we have shelves/lights and warming blankets for his green babies in the basement).

I have spent this morning researching a number of things:

1). getting a demolition permit to take down the garage- there are no online permits yet so I'll have to go and do that today before picking up the kids.

2.) information that I can use to get appropriate service at Caleb's school next year. Unfortunately, the school doesn't understand the need for me to have Caleb and my friends daughter to both attend afternoon classes so that my friend can walk Caleb to school when she walks her child.

There is one handicap parking spot on a side street nowhere near the handicap accessible entrance to the school-which happens to be the loading ramp to the basement which leads to the elevator. The school is a hundred years old so for obvious reasons it isn't easy to make any significant improvements to the school beyond the elevator at the back of the building.

Beyond that the problem is that as you know it's difficult for me to load the kids up in the car especially in the winter. And if I fall I'll have to crawl to the nearest object where I can get some leverage to get up. The kids will eventually be able to help me get up but we're a long way off.

The only suggestion the school secretary made was to bus Caleb to school which means walking him to the bus-stop which is "only a short walk". Gee thanks lady, that's much easier. My friend wrote a letter explaining our mutual issues as to why we would like her daughter moved to the afternoon class (I can move Caleb to mornings but my friend won't be available to help in the mornings so that's a moot point).

After the principal read the letter she called each of us with her sing-songy happy voice and said that it all comes down to the fact that her daughter isn't in the catchment (neighborhood) for English nursery therefore she doesn't get a lot of choice as to where she is placed as she could attend a nursery class that is closer to home. Never mind that her older sister is already attending French immersion at this school. So what if she has two kids in different elementary schools. Catchment smatchment.

So, I just spent time reading, cutting and pasting The Public Schools Act as well as the Guiding Principles of this particular elementary school and I plan to call Caleb's school and say that for now we will keep him in the afternoon classes and hope that come September a spot will open up for my friends child to move into afternoons as well.

Sometime this week I will then call the school board trustees and speak to them about what the term "acceptable accommodation" should be provided in order for my child to attend school. What I am asking for will not cost the school division any money in transportation and it will also mean that one less car will be used to drive a child to school thereby saving the on fuel emissions.

Anyway, it's raining out today which means that it's getting very green outside.

I'm volunteering in Caleb's class tomorrow for the last time this school year. His schools annual picnic is Friday night which is a must to go to for the kids. Saturday is my 20 year high school reunion which I am actually excited about now.

On the art front-

Somewhere between all of that I have had art ideas percolating. I've sketched out a number of pieces and am more than ready to get started on. I will find out whether or not I got that art grant some time this week-I'm on pins and needles about it!

I have another SPARK Initiative meeting on Friday re: artists with disabilities. The vision and mission statement has been ironed out and I'm looking forward to making significant improvements in Winnipeg but also in Canada at large in terms of support and recognition of the equal value of artists facing accessibility, financial, and professional recognition.

I'm also looking into a festival/conference called

http://www.momentum09.com/
"Momentum'09 - just be there!

Momentum’09 is an International Disability Art Symposium being held in Auckland, New Zealand from the 25 to 28 February 2009.

Momentum’09 will bring pace, perspective and prominence to disability arts and provide the next step towards a viable and global understanding of and respect for disability arts and culture. It will be a melting pot of innovation, inspiration, aspiration and the very best in performance and visual arts by disabled artists and performers from around the world."

I have to apply to get in and need to write a bit more before I send in the application. Obviously it would be incredibly expensive to go to New Zealand but should I get accepted I'll cross that bridge...or get on that plane.